Room for one more?

This week my baby turned seven. He’s the world’s best little boy, or at least he is to his parents and grandmother, not sure his sister is as convinced.) Every time I look at him my heart swells with love and pride; even last night when he was up through the night cutting a new tooth (at seven?!) and asking me to sing him back to sleep. We really are blessed with two fantastic children and these two children are keen for one more. At Christmas they asked me for a brother or sister as a present. My daughter is vaguely aware that this isn’t physically possible due to Daddy having an “operation” but she tells me that this is fine because we can adopt; as long as she gets a sister and not another little brother, and as long as it’s a baby as cute as her friend’s baby brother, but definitely a girl. I tell them plaintively that we all don’t get enough time to spend together as it is and how would they like it if we couldn’t do the things we like doing together (at the moment watching Cake Boss / playing UNO online depending on the child) because I might have to deal with a crying baby. This holds no sway. The tween fully believes that she is capable of solely looking after a child and therefore I don’t have anything to worry about.

Before we started our family I wanted four children. This is slightly odd because I really hated having siblings when I was a child. But I am a busy, bustling person and I wanted a busy, big, bustling family. And then we had one. And it was really, really hard. She cried a lot, I cried a lot, I missed work and so I went back early, selling all the baby things as she grew out of them because I didn’t want another.

But then people started having second babies and they were all so much easier than the first. Parents were more relaxed, babies were more chilled, maybe we could manage another. I was ambivalent but thought we could give it a try. And when it didn’t work all ambivalence disappeared and I pursued pregnancy with all the vigour that people know me for. I read, I charted, I consulted real doctors and online forum members and became fixated on the idea of getting pregnant again. My husband was largely peripheral. The goal was pregnancy, and I think I completely forgot about actually having another baby.

It was a long year of trying but eventually it worked and he was born healthy and well at home seven years ago. There was another pregnancy, this time not longed for (or even welcomed) but still mourned for when it didn’t proceed. So why not another?

Reasons to have another baby:

1) The children want one.

2) My husband really likes babies. He doesn’t want another one but he is really good with them nonetheless.

3) I am pretty good at giving birth and breastfeeding. For a woman who has never excelled at physical activity I made pretty light work of childbirth. My body just did what it was supposed to. I take not credit for this, it’s just how it was. I loved (most of) being pregnant, felt empowered by birth and really enjoyed breastfeeding.

4) These two are fab. I’m sure another one will be interesting/exhilarating/lovable etc etc.

and that’s where that list ends!

Reasons not to have another baby

1) Although my son fills my heart with love and joy now it wasn’t always thus. He was ill as a newborn and I was ill as his mother. He ended up being hospitalised and I might well also have done if it hadn’t been for excellent support from my husband, friends and a very intelligent health visitor. Having a second child just because it seemed like we should / I became obsessed with the challenge of becoming pregnant was not a good enough reason to sustain me through the early months of endless screaming and four years of broken sleep. These were barriers to love and I am ashamed that they were allowed to be, but I know that they were and I am that same person. I couldn’t risk that again.

2) I don’t like babies much even when they aren’t crying all day and all night. I’m not a massive fan of unpredictability and chaos.

3) I have just started this new career and although it is tricky managing it with two school-aged children I know it would be even harder with smaller people with earlier bedtimes and more physical needs.

4) Any child I have now has a greater risk of becoming a child carer. This is of course conjecture but one of the fears that woke me in the night when I was first diagnosed was the fear that the childhood of my children would be hampered by the need to care for me. My childhood was challenging, I swore that their’s would be easy. And so far so good. If my daughter’s biggest complaint is that I keep deliberately misplacing her cropped tops we are doing OK. I want them to reach adulthood without having to miss out on anything because of my condition.
Of all my reasons I know this is the least rational. I know people with MS who are much more affected than me and their children are amazing – balanced, compassionate, lively and living life to the full. I know this reason is based in melodramatic nonsense but, as I try to conquer all the fears I have about the future, this is the one that keeps re-emerging. I hope I can be ill and also look after two; I know I can’t be ill and raise three.

Reading this back it looks like I am really miserable about parenting but that’s not it at all. *I* found it hard, other people thrive on it. This decision is all about what I want which is selfish but we played the odds of ill children/PND/a tricky work-life balance and we won so why risk upsetting that balance?

So for us there’s no room for any more. There’s plenty of room for loving my nephew and my friend’s children and the ever increasing number of children of my cousins but we are done. Grateful and complete.