While the neighbours enjoy the sounds of the children bouncing on a trampoline and I await the arrival of curry and the start of Strictly I am musing fondly on the joy of family weekends. It must sound odd because we have been parents for nearly ten years, but the idea of a weekend is relatively new around here. When they were little and I was still teaching weekends were often just a more exhausting version of weekdays; small people don’t allow for hanging around reading the papers and pottering which is what I like best. Then, as a student, weekends were spent working (either teaching to try and contribute something to the food shopping bill, or studying) or feeling guilty about not studying. There was no “Friday feeling” because the work didn’t ever end. Now I am enjoying weekends of “nothing to do.” By which, of course, I mean cleaning, shopping, ferrying children around to different clubs, parties and activities, fitting in the Forrest Gump running tendencies of my husband etc etc. But there are also lie-ins, the weekend papers, seeing friends and time to play. There is a sense that I am working hard but that I get proper time off.
My dad will be pleased. He worries about my lack of “down time” and has long been (gently) urging me to try and reach more of a balance. And I have never been balanced (I blame my recent emotional lability on the MS but actually I’ve always been like this!) I have always worked too hard and taken on too much. I am a joiner and never like to say no to an invitation. There’s too much I want to do with each day. I want to be an expert cook, super singer, virtuoso knitter, an active campaigner, a “culture vulture.” Oh yes, and a good doctor/mum/partner/sister/friend. It isn’t always possible and the scales occasionally tip precariously.
And I don’t always balance. I spent a year falling over. I fell off chairs, fell over in supermarkets and toppled in operating theatres. I had an unusual initial presentation of MS – most people seem to have either sudden weakness or eye symptoms which end up with them being reviewed by the neurologist. I remember sitting with a fellow medical student looking up causes of vertigo and seeing MS right at the bottom of the list. Experienced medic friends joined me in dismissing it as a likely possibility, consultants in other specialities told me it definitely wasn’t MS. But an MS weeble I was. I worked hard, did my rehab exercises and can now do a Sainsbury’s shop whilst staying upright but the balance at home still sometimes alludes us. Amongst the issues are:
1) providing balance for a nine year old who is bright and ambitious but who is so busy with sporting activities that she lacks the time/motivation to do the academic work her mother is conditioned to value above all else.
2) allowing a six year old who has no “down time” in the week to spend as much time as he would want at the weekends on some form of screen. He is exhausted by full weeks of school/club/childcare necessitated by the working hours of his parents and fully relaxes with Minecraft or Temple Run. But getting him off the screen can be a battle and none of us have got this balance right.
3) In a world where we are hyper aware of the dangers of Internet bullying and stranger danger how do we equip our children with independence? How do I balance the desire to let my daughter to explore the world, walk home from school, enjoy what the Internet can offer her with the need to make her aware of why she always needs to be vigilant.
4) How can I balance the needs of a boy who tells me he is never cutting his hair and wants to look “different to every boy in my class,” with the anxieties of his grandmother who says his hair makes her weep ;)
5)After five years of putting my “fulfilment” first it’s Mr C’s time. His choice is not career change but proper running. He seems to have a talent for it and is chasing ever better PBs over ever longer distances. But is sure does take up a lot of time and we are ever more time poor.
However, these are essentially first world problems. And in one area we have a balance which has improved all of our lives. When I met my husband we quickly formed a modern partnership based on a 50-50 split of household responsibility, domestic chores and financial contribution. Children, part-time work and then years of study tipped this balance out of whack. He earned the money and I ran the home and family. He did almost the same amount of stuff but I “project managed” everyone – I did the admin, the sorting, the planning, the phone calls, the shopping, the cooking, the laundry; all the stuff it takes to run and home and family and I issued that family with list and instructions to keep it all going (lucky them!) Now I can no longer do it all because I am at the hospital for so many hours a day. Someone asked me this week if my husband “minded” and was surprised when I said he was pleased. Because now we have our balance back. We are both responsible for getting it all done and it feels more natural to share the load (and the costs.) I make fewer lists; he has started knowing when things need doing and who is supposed to be where. I even walk in to dinner on the table some evenings! So while the weeble phase is in remission long may it continue.